Things to Remember in the Kitchen

I've always believed that cooking is a lot of trial and error. Mostly error. All the baller things I've learned about cooking have most often come about because I fucked something up. Badly. And because parenting is about teaching you kids the ways of the world (or some happy horseshit of that nature), I thought I would share some of the things I've learned over the years, so that you can skip doing them yourselves. Learn from my mistakes, kids!

1.  Pay attention to which burner you've turned on, especially if you have a flat-top electric range. This shouldn't need to be said (but then again you will be related to me after all). If you've been waiting for your water to boil and simultaneously wondering why your tea kettle is smoking for no reason, check which one you've actually turned on.
2. If you try to melt congealed bacon grease to dispose of it by turning the burner on HIGH, it WILL catch on fire. And you'll ruin a dirty sheet smothering the flames because you couldn't get the flaming pan out the back door in time. Also you will have to scrub the oven hood with 409 to remove the smoke damage and you definitely WON'T be getting your deposit back when you move out.On the plus side, you'll realize just how terrible you are in any sort of survival situation, which will enable you to get the hell out of the way in the event a more serious one occurs in your lifetime.
3. When your food processor has an indicator line as to how much food/liquid it can safely handle, it's not fucking around. Yelling "STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN, BIG GUV'MENT!" will not help you clean off your appliances/countertops when you put too much in the poor FP and it explodes everywhere.
4. While I 100% advocate DWIK (Drinking While In Kitchen), make sure any fine chopping (or any serious knife usage at all) occurs BEFORE you get too many sheets to the wind. If the max is 7, you need to have that shit done by 2,  MAYBE 3 sheets tops.
5. When in doubt, ask Betty. No doubt you'll hear me refer to Betty Crocker so often you'll wonder if she's some weird aunt you've never met. Betty may not be adventurous, and she's definitely a product of the times (bologna infused biscuits for a dinner party in a 1970's edition of the cookbook, for example), but she knows everything there is to know about cooking basics. Want to know how to cut up a whole chicken? Ask Betty. Ever wonder the different ranges of cheeses from soft to hard? Ask Betty. Want to know how to cook any matter of egg? Ask Betty. Except nowadays Betty won't tell you how to make soft-boiled, because apparently they don't come to a safe enough temperature. Screw you, Betty! I can eat near-raw egg yolks if I damn well please!
6. Be adventurous! even if those around you (your dad) are not. Sometimes the best dishes are ones you take a chance on. For example, your father LOVES sweet corn risotto. It's one of his favorite things I make. But he never would have tried it if I hadn't admonished him to suck it up and partake of a dish I took a chance on making.
7. Have a contingency plan. Sometimes, despite our better efforts, a dish just...blows. It blows so hard you have to throw it away outside in the dumpster so that it doesn't grow legs and murder you in the night. When that happens, a contingency plan is needed: either pizza delivery on speed dial  or a fast food drive-thru. Which leads us to my final tip:
8. Don't be too precious about your cooking. Yes, you're going to have dishes that are so amazing you want to suffocate people by shoving their faces into them. But you're also going to have dishes so terrible that you wish they were laced with rohypnol so that no one will remember what a train wreck they were. But remember: no matter how god-awful something is, you always have tomorrow to colon-stomp your kitchen into producing something truly awe-inspiring. It's an averages thing, kids. Make more good than bad, and you're officially a good cook.