An Instance in Which Your Father is Conceivably WRONG

Your father seems to think I'll be a great mom when the time comes. I disagree. No offense, but you already terrify me and you don't even exist. I think once you get the point where you can hold your head up without assistance I'll be ok, but it's going to be a rough couple of months until that happens. So let's make a deal: you have insanely strong baby necks and can hold up your noggins and I'll try not to be terrified that I'll kill you accidentally by holding you incorrectly.

Your father bases his criterion that I'll be a good mother on the fact that our cat Roark (full name Schroedinger Roark Oedipus Jables-I hope he's still around long enough for you to remember him) likes to be held in a traditional baby-cradling way. I have several arguments against this.

One, Roark is a CAT, and a dumb one at that. He thinks he's a person, and was very in love with me before we fixed him. I don't want to get into the specifics, but let's just say he sprayed me while I was reading a book and I grabbed his tail and punched him in the kitty nutsack for it. He didn't notice.

Two, if I accidentally drop a CAT, he should conceivably land on his feet. This one doesn't always; again, he's not very smart or cat-like. Babies will most likely not do this.

Three, to feed him I dump food in a bowl and walk away. There is considerably more effort in feeding a child.

Four, did I mention he's a CAT and not a HUMAN INFANT? This is pretty crucial to my argument, and I fear I didn't highlight this enough.

I feel this is how having a baby will go:

Baby: Gurgle gurgle coooo!

Me: Oh God are you choking on something? How are you choking on something? WHY DON'T I KNOW BABY HEIMLICH?

Baby: *adorable cough*

Me: How did my baby get TB? How did you get TB baby? How is that even possible?! Is it the black lung? HOW DID YOU GET A MINING JOB?!

Baby: waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiillllll

Me: What's wrong? Why are you crying? WHY AM I SUCH A TERRIBLE MOTHER?


And that's probably the best case scenario.

I know I'm coming at this from the POV of a) never having kids and b) not having much interaction with babies in general. I'm sure this level of paranoia is normal for new mothers or women embarking on the journey to be mothers. The only positive I can think of is that I'm getting my parental paranoia out of the way super early so that I don't become one of those insufferable helicopter mothers that you grow to resent by age 8.


Don't worry. Your momma has always and will always want you and love you, you just terrify the ever-loving bejeesus out of her right now.