Almost Perfect Potato Soup

There once was a little restaurant called Angus Inn. Like most things I love, it eventually left me.* It lost 30 pounds, got a face lift, changed its name, and left me heartbroken and hungry.

Just kidding about those first two things. It did change hands, though, and I haven't been back. Not because I'm mad or anything... it's actually because the last few times I went before the changeover, I found them to be lacking, which is a disappointment in itself. I can choose between salad OR soup? What happened to getting both, bitches?

Anyway, after much (zero) trial and error, I've gotten as close to their divine soup as I can without going back. And since the restaurant is located roughly 700 miles from where I'm sitting, it's going to have to do.

 *****

ALMOST PERFECT POTATO SOUP 

Ingredients

• 1 carton chicken broth
•  1 can evaporated milk (NOT sweet and condensed, you'll make it taste terrible. Honestly, if you mix this up you're probably a body snatcher and not my child. This shouldn't even have to be said. You've embarrassed us both.)
•  2-3 large potatoes, depending on how thick you want it (that's what she said!), chopped
•  1 large onion, blended in a food processor until finely chopped. This is for your father, who won't eat any onion he can see because he's a weenie
•  2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped.
•  8 slices of bacon, plus whatever you think you'll snack on whilst cooking (you know it's going to happen), chopped in a 1" dice
•  Salt to taste
•  LIBERAL white pepper. You'll know you've added to much if it's too hot to eat. Use less next time. Ok, fine. 1-2 tsp
•  Ground black pepper to taste

Instructions

• Fry bacon in a 5 qt dutch oven until crisp, remove and drain on paper towels. Reserve 1 T of bacon fat, discard the rest. Please don't melt the garbage can doing this.
• Saute onions and garlic in fat until onion is transparent and garlic is slightly brown
• Sprinkle 1 T flour over mixture, stirring until flour is browned
• Add the chicken broth and stir, bringing to a boil
• Add chopped potatoes and continue boiling until potatoes have reached desired tenderness, turn down heat
• Remove roughly half of the cooked potatoes, set aside
• Pour the remaining broth and vegetables into a food processor and blend until the consistency is creamy and there's no way your father can see any chunks of onions, return to dutch oven
•  Add set-aside potatoes, evaporated milk, salt, peppers, and heat gently. Make sure not to boil the soup, as it will curdle. And you know what curdling causes, don't you kids? That's right. Bambi to become an orphan. You think about that.

I call this soup my Almost Perfect because there's just something missing. I think it's the candlelit room, soft jazz music, and someone else to clean up the kitchen I just destroyed making it. Someday...

* Most things I love don't leave me. I'm just too loveable. You'll see what I'm talking about, someday.

Fried Cabbage

There's a lot of things I can say about your Great Grandmother Mary, and most of them are unpleasant. She's a total bitch. No, seriously. In all my days on this earth I have not met another person with her capacity for discord, hate, and just general shittiness. She stole my car once because she didn't like my boyfriend. That. Happened.

Your father and I have a pact: if I ever become a cut-throat, hateful harpy like she is, he has to put me in the worst old-folks home we can find. We're talking tied-to-the-bed, leaving-me-in-dirty-Depends, shut-down-numerous-times-for-elder-abuse facility. Since he staunchly refuses to do this, the responsibility falls on you, my future offspring. Make me proud! Fear not, if I ever get that bad, you'll WANT to.

The only other thing I can say about her is that she's a great cook (with the exception of over-salting everything-her taste buds are dead from years of chainsmoking Dorals and general evilness). I'm using the present tense to describe her since I've not heard rejoicing in hell for her passing yet. This is one of my favorite recipes of hers, and will probably kill us all from heart disease through prolonged consumption.

******

FRIED CABBAGE 

Ingredients

• 1 large head of cabbage, torn into bite-size pieces
• 1 pound (yes) of bacon
• 1-2 T brown sugar, to taste
• Salt to taste

Instructions

•  Chop the bacon into 1" dice and saute in a large pan over medium-medium high heat, until crispy
•  Drain most of the bacon grease, reserving 2-3 T (or don't. It's your arteries. Mine are probably  already destroyed)
•  Add cabbage and stir frequently, until cabbage is all wilty and greased up like a luau pig, sprinkling with sugar and salt to taste

And there you have it. Who says evil doesn't beget some good? I obviously don't. Now eat up, making sure to keep a pre-dialed 911 call and insulin shot on hand.

Tortellini Siciliano

Once upon a time, your mother worked in an Italian restaurant....

And it was the shittiest place to work of all time. The managers and staff were perverts of the grossest order. Two days before I quit, I punched one of the managers for grabbing my ass.

So why did I stay? I hear you ask. Well, there are two reasons:

1) It was my first "big girl" job during my first summer break in college. I hadn't been in the workforce before and thus didn't know what the protocol was. I was afraid if I quit I'd never get another job, much the same way I wouldn't switch out of the advanced class in second grade because my teacher was a total me-hating bitch. I should have punched her, too. Dammit, what a wasted opportunity.

2) (The more important reason) Their food was fucking delicious and sometimes I got it for free. 

One of my most ordered (and least paid for) dishes was called the "Tortellini Sicilliano" which is cheese tortellini tossed with fried ham and sliced black olives and smothered in a vodka sauce.

Alas, after that summer I was no longer able to patronize that restaurant due to man-handling PTSD, so I decided to learn to make it on my own. I would tell those guys to suck it, but I'm pretty sure they would take it the wrong way.


****

TORTELLINI SICILLIANO 

Ingredients

• 28 oz can of whole tomatoes, pureed
• 8 oz heavy whipping cream. 
•  Hefty pinch of dried basil
• Hefty pinch of dried oregan
• 1/3-1/2 cup vodka, plus whatever you need to make a drink for yourself. <= This is a vitally important step, don’t forget it. Unless you're under 21 when you read this, then you had best forget it...or don't get caught.
•  1/2 medium white or yellow onion, finely chopped
•  2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
•  1/4 cup diced ham slices
•  1/4 cup black olives, sliced
• 1 T olive oil (or butter, if you’re a renegade)
•  2 bags frozen tortellini, cooked according to directions
•  Salt and pepper to your taste

 Instructions 

• * Heat olive oil on medium in a big-ass pan
•  Sauté ham, onion and garlic until ham is crispy, onion is transparent and garlic is lightly browned
•  Add oregano and basil
• Add pureed tomatoes and stir
•  Slug in your vodka and stir
•  Cook until the alcohol has cooked down and is not horrific tasting
•  Stir in heavy cream and heat for 2 minutes
•  Add olives
• Consume

And voila, my little chitlins. That is how you make your cake and eat it too. Except replace "cake" with "tortellini" and "eat it" with "eat it without fear of employer manhandling."