Tortellini Siciliano

Once upon a time, your mother worked in an Italian restaurant....

And it was the shittiest place to work of all time. The managers and staff were perverts of the grossest order. Two days before I quit, I punched one of the managers for grabbing my ass.

So why did I stay? I hear you ask. Well, there are two reasons:

1) It was my first "big girl" job during my first summer break in college. I hadn't been in the workforce before and thus didn't know what the protocol was. I was afraid if I quit I'd never get another job, much the same way I wouldn't switch out of the advanced class in second grade because my teacher was a total me-hating bitch. I should have punched her, too. Dammit, what a wasted opportunity.

2) (The more important reason) Their food was fucking delicious and sometimes I got it for free. 

One of my most ordered (and least paid for) dishes was called the "Tortellini Sicilliano" which is cheese tortellini tossed with fried ham and sliced black olives and smothered in a vodka sauce.

Alas, after that summer I was no longer able to patronize that restaurant due to man-handling PTSD, so I decided to learn to make it on my own. I would tell those guys to suck it, but I'm pretty sure they would take it the wrong way.


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TORTELLINI SICILLIANO 

Ingredients

• 28 oz can of whole tomatoes, pureed
• 8 oz heavy whipping cream. 
•  Hefty pinch of dried basil
• Hefty pinch of dried oregan
• 1/3-1/2 cup vodka, plus whatever you need to make a drink for yourself. <= This is a vitally important step, don’t forget it. Unless you're under 21 when you read this, then you had best forget it...or don't get caught.
•  1/2 medium white or yellow onion, finely chopped
•  2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
•  1/4 cup diced ham slices
•  1/4 cup black olives, sliced
• 1 T olive oil (or butter, if you’re a renegade)
•  2 bags frozen tortellini, cooked according to directions
•  Salt and pepper to your taste

 Instructions 

• * Heat olive oil on medium in a big-ass pan
•  Sauté ham, onion and garlic until ham is crispy, onion is transparent and garlic is lightly browned
•  Add oregano and basil
• Add pureed tomatoes and stir
•  Slug in your vodka and stir
•  Cook until the alcohol has cooked down and is not horrific tasting
•  Stir in heavy cream and heat for 2 minutes
•  Add olives
• Consume

And voila, my little chitlins. That is how you make your cake and eat it too. Except replace "cake" with "tortellini" and "eat it" with "eat it without fear of employer manhandling."