Fried Cabbage

There's a lot of things I can say about your Great Grandmother Mary, and most of them are unpleasant. She's a total bitch. No, seriously. In all my days on this earth I have not met another person with her capacity for discord, hate, and just general shittiness. She stole my car once because she didn't like my boyfriend. That. Happened.

Your father and I have a pact: if I ever become a cut-throat, hateful harpy like she is, he has to put me in the worst old-folks home we can find. We're talking tied-to-the-bed, leaving-me-in-dirty-Depends, shut-down-numerous-times-for-elder-abuse facility. Since he staunchly refuses to do this, the responsibility falls on you, my future offspring. Make me proud! Fear not, if I ever get that bad, you'll WANT to.

The only other thing I can say about her is that she's a great cook (with the exception of over-salting everything-her taste buds are dead from years of chainsmoking Dorals and general evilness). I'm using the present tense to describe her since I've not heard rejoicing in hell for her passing yet. This is one of my favorite recipes of hers, and will probably kill us all from heart disease through prolonged consumption.

******

FRIED CABBAGE 

Ingredients

• 1 large head of cabbage, torn into bite-size pieces
• 1 pound (yes) of bacon
• 1-2 T brown sugar, to taste
• Salt to taste

Instructions

•  Chop the bacon into 1" dice and saute in a large pan over medium-medium high heat, until crispy
•  Drain most of the bacon grease, reserving 2-3 T (or don't. It's your arteries. Mine are probably  already destroyed)
•  Add cabbage and stir frequently, until cabbage is all wilty and greased up like a luau pig, sprinkling with sugar and salt to taste

And there you have it. Who says evil doesn't beget some good? I obviously don't. Now eat up, making sure to keep a pre-dialed 911 call and insulin shot on hand.